The grief of waiting for someone to change
One of my therapists once gave me a reality check that had no business landing this hard:
“Soso, assuming that you know what’s best for others if they just changed and did as they were told is a self-centered approach to trying to help someone when they did not ask for your opinion on how they choose to live their lives.”
I was too stunned to speak.
Once I started reflecting on my own actions, I understood that even if I saw the utmost potential in somebody else and an “obvious solution” to problems that are not my own, it is not for me to decide how they are supposed to live their lives. Thus, I silently grieve for the change that has not happened (yet).
I grieve for the ones who cannot free themselves from their addictions, those who have not found the courage to take action, the ones who have not gone to therapy yet, the ones who never seem to get a grip on their finances — I grieve for a reality that does not exist and claim to want the best for them.
But what do I really know about what each person may be going through?
Hero complex
It is easy to give advice and provide solutions to problems you believe are quick to solve. Whether or not somebody asked you for your opinion in the first place is not important. Neither is whether you are actually trying to help in a way that the person you are talking to wants to receive help. You provided a path that would lead to more happiness, and everyone would be a fool not to follow your advice.
Being on the receiving end of the self-proclaimed hero may come with the feeling of intense guilt, feeling out of place, and worst of all — shame. Most of the time you probably already know that you are in a situation you do not want to stay in, a habit you can’t seem to get rid of, an old pattern that revisits you every time you become upset, or a relationship you can’t seem to leave.
An additional “I told you so” does not suddenly motivate you to change your life overnight.
Thus, it begs the question: if we truly wanted to help, we ought to ask how we can be of help. Can help be provided for those who are not ready to accept it yet?
Growing pains
In Talking to Strangers, written by Malcolm Gladwell — I will paraphrase this section — the author mentions that change will only happen once staying the same becomes too uncomfortable.
How I interpret this part: no matter how many times you have heard that 1+1 equals 2, and some part of your brain has downloaded and saved this knowledge, it will never truly make sense to you until it suddenly clicks.
Translated into real-life situations, your last straw may be a diagnosis, a relationship that ended, a boundary that was crossed, a fight, a lie, etc. Your “click” does not have to make sense to others but to you, for it is your life that is about to change.
The easy part
Planning, researching, reflecting — we love spending time with the abstract part of change: the anticipation — until it requires actual action. Suddenly we may find that change feels awkward and, probably worse than that, it’s hard.
Trying to reprogram your mind with a new pattern needs focus, intention, and patience. (I recommend checking out The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, or similarly popular Atomic Habits by James Clear.)
If you set your mind on wanting to change an aspect of your life, I wish you all the best and I am rooting for you! May your new path lead you to a life you will look back on with fond memories and fewer regrets.
For the grievers
I see you.
We may not be able to live other people’s lives for them, but we can offer support — genuine support — when our loved ones have gathered enough courage to want to change. We can also choose to walk away and surround ourselves with people who uplift us, even if that sometimes means distancing ourselves from the ones we claim to love the most.
Are you able to love someone through their seasons?
Are you able to hold space for someone who is not ready to change?
Why do you really want them to change? If it is to make your life easier, ask yourself again if you genuinely wanted to help in the first place or if you wanted world dominance with a herd of minions following your every order.
Does the change start with yourself, or is it that others need to change first?
In what areas may you be failing others?
Flip the coin
What piece of advice are we offering others that we can hardly follow ourselves? What are our limiting beliefs and habits we would be better off without? If we are quick to judge others for their “faulty” choices, we cannot expect the same not to happen to ourselves.
We are not the exception to this rule.
Conclusion
Remembering the reality check from the beginning of this post, I can only recommend trying out therapy yourself. It might lead you to one or the other aha moment. Other than that, remember that we are all seeking to connect, to be loved, to feel safe, and to be seen.
If you want to help, ask respectfully and, in turn, accept that not every answer may be the one you would like to hear.
Lead your dreams,
Soso
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