Why you will never be loved the way you want to
That sounds cruel at first — but it might also be one of the most freeing realisations about love.
There is a certain type of grief that comes with the knowledge that nobody else will ever know you the way you do. Thus, it is also impossible for somebody else to love you the way you hoped — leaving this task to be done by yourself.
When we are in love, we tend to assume that our intentions and minds are as clear as day.
Yes, I want an occasional bouquet of flowers, because I believe it is a sign of affection put on display.
Yes, I’d rather stay in and cook together than go out to grab dinner.
Yes, I need space when I am upset.
It’s not possible to say that all of these things apply to each and every one of us, which leads to the conclusion that we also cannot universally assume that people know what we like or dislike if these points had never been communicated before.
But I don’t want to ask them to buy me flower
What’s the thought behind the bouquet? If it’s about the flowers, would it matter to you which ones you would be presented with, or is the mere act of receiving a bouquet a good enough declaration of love? Does it matter when you receive them? An I-love-you bouquet might feel different from the one you may be gifted when the message is “I am sorry”. Do you gift flowers back? If yes, do you keep tallies and build up resentment when you are not met with equal effort? Or is it perhaps that the thought of reminding someone that you want to feel loved results in any affection shown not feeling authentic, because you had to ask for it first?
Are we still talking about the bouquet?
How love changes us
To be loved is to be known and seen, until you change and someone continues to assume they know you, even when you have outgrown your old shell. Love has the possibility to move us, and whether we continue running down this path or realise that we had taken a wrong turn remains a subject for those brave enough to allow love to enter their lives.
There is comfort in finding that you have grown with someone — a friend, a lover, a family member — to the point of knowing them. We start to assume that their favourite color is still yellow, that they still like the same pasta dish they did 3 years ago, and that their values and political views have stayed rigid ever since they were 16 years old.
Now you are not only met with the difficulty of not being able to read minds, but also come to face the fact that those you love may have changed over time. What if someone assumes you still love to be hugged when in fact you are in a phase of your life where you’d prefer a friendly fist bump? What if someone continues to buy you flowers, but it’s always the wrong ones because they remembered you liked the color red, yet you liked tulips more than roses?
To tell or not to tell
This may come as a shock, but not communicating is also communicating. Not letting those you love know how you want to be loved and receive affection leaves them with only one option: assumption.
Never told anyone how much your birthday means to you and that you have only come to dislike the celebration after continuously being forgotten on said birthday? People may never understand that all you wanted was a text and a birthday cake.
Never told anybody that having someone show up late makes you feel like you are unimportant? When every time someone was in fact late you replied with “that’s no problem at all”, people may continue to assume that you are just a chill pal.
I believe that it is a disservice to our peers not to let them know: this is how I want to be loved.
The pressure we put on our closest people
We tend to forgive those we know less for the same mistakes we would resent those closest to us for a lifetime. How dare you not ask me out for a coffee today? How dare you misunderstand me — on purpose, because how else could I have meant it? You were supposed to be able to read my mind, because I love you the most.
That’s not quite fair, isn’t it?
How we can show up for ourselves
Dear reader, I write all of this with a smile on my face. It is easier said than done to not misunderstand someone. People are hard to read, and it only takes one person to be tired and hungry for the whole world to feel like a walking nightmare.
But there is hope.
Perhaps the change starts within ourselves. It is not fair to you to have to wait to receive the love you are seeking. Buy yourself the bouquet, because you know best what flowers you like today. That dinner place you always wanted to check out perhaps doesn’t need a partner — take a friend! And that trip you’ve been waiting for? Book it.
Amidst all of the awkwardness you might feel — “What if everyone knows I am here by myself? What if I embarrass myself? What if…” — keep them guessing :) Whether or not this brings you comfort, you will never be able to influence what others think of you.
But you can choose yourself today. You can teach somebody to love you. You can teach yourself too :)
Maybe the bouquet was never about the flowers.
With that being said, I hope that today’s post will give you food for thought. Let me know if you would like me to touch on more topics like this and have me add my two cents.
Be courageous. Dare to love.
Lead your dreams,
Soso
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