The Art of Abandoning Yourself
There’s an odd pattern with the anxiously attached. Eagerly, they extend a hand in hopes of sparking a connection and are left waiting. What follows is not only grief but, oftentimes, anger.
In aspirations of being the center of someone’s attention, the anxiously attached decenter themselves. But what are the effects of fabricating a fantasy of who someone could be instead of accepting their actions and character as they are?
As the instructions on aircraft state:
“Be sure to adjust your own mask before helping others.”
Welcome to a personal post and a collection of times I failed to put myself first.
This is not an attack on those to whom I extended a hand, but a reflection on how I failed to continue walking, even if that meant having to walk alone.
I Love You Enough for the Both of Us
Betrayal
I asked the hard questions.
I knew the answers.
I listened to what we both wanted to believe.
I love you for the both of us, I told myself as I lay in bed crying myself to sleep every night for half a year.
Betrayal is cruel when, in retrospect, you feel like you could have caught on earlier. All the clues, the late nights, the anger, and the heaviness that every lighthearted conversation carried.
“Maybe how we fell in love was all a mistake.”
Words I hoped to never hear.
Unrequited Love — Almost
Unrequited love is a brave act for those who have offered their heart. The yearning, the infatuation, the potential.
Everything is possible, yet nothing has happened.
Let’s take it up a notch to:
“I am not ready… yet.”
Oh, how the possibilities multiply into infinity.
Hope has never known a limit. The heart sings and strings attach.
I waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
The seasons changed, and doubt crept in like a shadow, luring you to join the night.
Yet a flicker remains.
Do you love me?
Does it matter?
I love you enough for the both of us.
The “Mom” Friend
Being labeled as the “Mom” friend, though meant as a term of endearment, comes with a slightly bitter connotation.
I love taking care of those dear to me. Yet I found myself frustrated that people not only leaned on me but sat on top of me and then commented on how uncomfortable the surface was.
To put it simply: I did not know how to set or communicate boundaries.
When putting other people’s needs first for a long time, understanding your own needs becomes such a foreign task that it’s difficult to grasp what you’re even supposed to be looking for.
On trips, I became the one who not only looked up and booked flights but also researched sights, public transportation, food spots, and hotels. And if we had our own space, I became the one who cooked, too.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy doing all of those things in general.
It became an issue, however, when I needed a vacation to recover from the vacation where I was supposed to recover.
Couldn’t You Just Go With the Flow and Relax?
Listen, I do not have the financial freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want.
A four-week difference in checking flight prices can make or break a vacation for me.
I’m all about enjoying vacations, getting lost in a city without plans, and all that.
I just wished I had been considered, too.
Didn’t Anybody Offer Help?
Some did.
Some didn’t, assuming that I was in my “element.”
What I Missed Out On
Horror Vacation
I was in Croatia a while back, and it had been the worst vacation of my life thus far.
I missed out on connecting with people. I went to see the ocean and still wasn’t able to fully enjoy it.
I silently cried during the car ride home.
The happiest I was came at 6 a.m., standing by the pool and picking up trash by myself, knowing that it was finally time to head home.
Amidst a crowd of people I had known, I had never felt lonelier.
Conclusion
In all of the above-mentioned scenarios, I’m sure you can sense frustration.
But let me assure you: this frustration is also directed at myself.
I am still finding the courage to stand up for myself and take myself just as seriously as I take others.
We can argue about whether people had been unkind to me, knowingly or unknowingly.
However, how I choose to deal with those situations is still on me.
I cannot blame my upbringing for decisions I make as a sound adult.
There is still a lot to learn.
While waiting for other people to be ready, I continuously postponed my own happiness.
That’s not worth it.
Thank you for staying and reading this post today. It means a lot to me.
Lead your dreams,
Soso