When you lose your spark
It felt like waking up from an endless slumber after working day in and out in front of a screen in order to spend my free time scrolling on one. Somewhere in-between the constant need for growth and optimization, being a good friend and a better sister and daughter - I lost my spark.
Remind me again, what my purpose of dragging myself out of bed was when nothing felt exciting, nothing felt new, nothing moved me enough to truly feel something. Not only did I give more than was healthy, but I was in severe debt, my balance of give and take was out of order.
For the first time in years, I did not know what to say to my therapist. How do you explain knowing that something was missing without being able to see it? I had not been kind to myself.
What was it again what I was dreaming about going after?
Why did I only travel for work, but never for fun and relaxation?
When was the last time I truly slept well?
Why did I stop drawing?
What truly brought me joy?
And then I understood. I was growing out of a shell that no longer fit me. I was in-between two shells - one to leave behind and one to call my new home.
Growing, when pushed can sometimes feel awkward. Things don’t fit as they used to, perhaps some relationships in your life have found the end of their course. New boundaries and goals are evaluated and communicated once more. And in all this chaos, one might still wonder:
Am I enough?
To be loved, seen and to connect - I know I crave to belong to a community where I can contribute just as much as I am able to take in return. What does it take to be a villager to a village you have yet to found?
Perhaps the wish to be independent has caused me to forget how lean on people. Perhaps not every burden was mine to begin with and now I am left to look at whose baggage I had claimed. Perhaps it’s also just the damn phone.
In order to get my spark back, I have launched “Operation: getting my spark back”. I know, how clever.
Make it as easy as possible for your brain to remember that you used to enjoy doing things
go analog as much as possible
move your body, because if you think the world hates you, you probably need to take a walk
Learn how to lean on those you trust. (but also, your friends are not your therapists. Don’t trauma dump without asking if there is space for you to do so. Get the help you need.)
Do more of what sparks joy! Fingerpainting sounds silly? Are you saying this, because you think adults are not allowed to have fun or do you actually think so? When did you stop making up a whole show at home like it was your own version of the Step Up movies? Joy knows no age.
Watch how you speak to yourself and others. This one was a real AHA for me. Once I caught myself speaking of my situation like I would never recover, I realized that I never would have. If I believed what I was saying to myself at that time, the only way I would have moved would have been in circles. How I spoke of and to myself shaped the way I was putting things into perspective. And who would have thought?
Not everything is always about You.
Needless to say, losing ones spark is painful and uncomfortable, I don’t wish upon anybody. But I do sincerely hope that I will find mine again.
Through it all, I also hope you’ll never lose yours.
Lead your dreams,
your unapologetically introverted bookworm bestie, Soso